Thursday, May 20, 2010

as the title says.

Whatever to:
- wrinkles and dark rings under the eyes
- questionable (poor student) healthy diet
- living in a dust magnet of a room
- single digit degree celsius nights
- situations out of one's control
- yucky research topic
- losing more hair
- disappointments
- pending exam
- cracked heels
- late nights
- uncertainty
- challenges
- tears

Whatever it is:
Come what may, I will not lose faith.


a Reuter update

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Emotional recession's over. Outlook for the final quarter should be fairly upbeat.


Some beginning of year Milestones

Thursday, February 12, 2009

1. Sign that you somehow did something right as teacher
The same student who was bent on writing your name in the book from Death Note has recently declared to his mom that you're his most favourite teacher ever.

2. Sign that you've learnt to let go.
You finally tossed out those papers containing silly exchanges between you and your ex back in school.

3. Sign that it's still a work in progress.
You salvaged a scrap or two from the bin for keepsake.

4. Sign that some things probably will never change.
(Taken from a to do list in 2007)
~ Inform (name of person in charge) of 5 microphones and 1 clip on mic~ Check with volunteers on props progress
~ Pay food invoice
~ Check with office regarding music teacher's fees
~ Buy gold pen
~ Move ALL items downstairs by TODAY
~ DO NOT lose temper and kill (name of a student who got on your nerves)

(Taken from a to do list in 2008)
~ Submit application
~ Get the right adapter this time
~ Finalise invitation designs
~ Buy tape
~ CONTROL YOURSELF and refrain from strangling (name of a different student who got on your nerves)

5. Sign that you've embraced yet another culture (guess which one)
You got over your fear of karaoke and enjoy songs by MYMP, Rivermaya, Side-A, Christian Bautista, Gary Valenciano, Regine Velasquez and so many others. Heck, your alarm ring tone is even a song taken from a particular Nescafe commercial by Bamboo. You wish that your family plus extended can be more close-knit and boisterious sometimes. And you also can't get enough of sweet treats in the form of polvorons (pinipig flavour especially) from Goldilocks, leche flans drenched in as much caramel as (super)humanly possible and halo halos.

6. Sign that maybe your children will treat you more as a friend than mom
You secretly like High School Musical and think Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron are a very sweet couple.

7. Or maybe not
Who the heck are the Jonas Brothers again?

8. Sign that you have to do better at battling gradual memory loss
You buy several bottles of vitamin, calcium, fish oil, lecithin supplements as well as a dietry supplement "with target mind performance nutrients" but only to despair at misplacing them somewhere inside the house. Then you realise later, with much irritation, that you didn't take them out from the car in the first place.


Always remember...

Saturday, January 17, 2009

... that you let go first, not me.


Get with the Festivities

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I've lost count of the number of times I heard the sms alert tone on my phone go off. All from people and organisations Wishing Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year ahead. While I'm suppose to be happy, my heart sank as none of the sms was from you. The one that matters the most to me. But it's okay, because 1) there's still Christmas Day tommorrow and 2) I'd wish you that instead of waiting.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!


If I'd discovered Twitter years ago...

Thursday, September 18, 2008

(in no particular order and assuming I'd to post several parts for longer updates) I'd probably say:

- My average daily sleep hours dropped from 7h to about 4h.
- I'd completed a marathon in about 6hours without much practise. Never want to do something like that ever again unless I trained properly prior to the run.
- I'd a brief period of insanity which involved way too much vodka and in the process experienced my first time being genuinely and hopelessly wasted. I just slept like a log after spouting all kinds of gibberish.
- My class grew from 4 students to 8 students (within a year) and went back to 4 students this year.
- I contemplated moving on/out/on/out/on etc in my personal life countless times
- I thirst for inner peace
- I started going to church a year ago
- To date, I crashed my car a total of 3 times. Once, at the back, once on the right side, and the other time on the left side.
- My new tv idol crush is now Daniel Phillip Henney ever since I'd watched the Korean movie, Seducing Mr Perfect. I still like Utt though.
- I paused Bollywood dancing until I can find a more regular class to attend and in the meantime, took up pole dancing. Thank goodness there is a course that's focused on the fitness aspects of it instead of the choreographed pussycat dolls types. Trust me, I have problems doing convincing sexy.
- I stopped my weekly runs until my knees get better. But I still participate in major runs. Latest being the Nike Human Race.
- I pondered over seeing a chiropractor to correct my (very highly suspected) Scoliosis, but chickened out many times.
- I have been proposed to. The moment by the beach in the evening with cool breeze and the whole romantic aspects of it, was forever marred when I blurted, "Sh*t, you're not proposing to me are you?"

And that's about it so far.


You know it's been way too long when....

Thursday, June 19, 2008

you have completely forgotten your blogger password.

Just read some previous entries and was amazed at how happy go lucky I used to be. Alot had happened in the career and social fronts, but it's time to walk the road to recovery (scars and all). Can't really say that I'm back for sure, but I do miss chucking in random notes like this after having spent a couple minutes plus + plus worth of password trial and error.



Thursday, August 30, 2007

"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you, not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. " - John 14:27

I read this verse countless times today as I lay slumped on the sofa with a raging headache and a rapidly beating heart, too sick to move my body, yet mentally too active to meditate. Previous incidences replayed and imagined futures flashed. Having a million and one whirling thoughts has never been bothersome, for I've adapted to this condition like how diabetes adapted to lifelong condition of low insulin, but as of today it became a burden.

I suppose it'd to take a triple dosage of poor physical health, high stress work day and a very ruffled household scene to come home to at the end of the day to finally make me feel devoid of rousing emotions. No anxiety, no sadness, no fear. My body is finally at rest, at least from fatigue, and I pray that my mind will be at rest too.


When others' milestone is mine

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Attended yet another wedding but it was one that I'd never forget... because the bride is one of my dearest friends.

It has been a decade and a half since I approached the quiet girl with the comic sans handwriting to write something in my autograph book. And it has been three Saturdays since I scribbled my chicken scratches in her wedding book.

Unlike other couple unions I'd witnessed before, I fought back tears at her solemnization. Not because my toe was stabbed by someone's high heel shoe, but for the first time in my life, I felt so much joy that no amount of goofy grinning would suffice. We may not communicate regularly over the years, but we still managed to catch up once in a blue (purple, green, rainbow polka-dotted) moon. There was a time when my world virtually collapsed and she made it a point to see me through that period of pain. Far from offering suggestions on how to manage or solve my woes, she pitched creative ideas of how to torture my enemies. Strangely enough, it worked (even though her suggestions were never implemented).

True friends are a treasured find and having just one, already makes you wealthy beyond material possessions. She was there for me at the most depressing point in my life, and all I have to do was to be there for her at her one of her life's happiest moment. What more can you ask for? In her own way, she gave meaning to the million and one inspirational quotes found on greeting cards.

I wish her all the happiness and bliss that marriage could bring into her life. And just in case the husband fell short of fulfilling his duties, I'd be more than ready to share with her some of my own malevolent ideas.


A Romantic Blog Entry

Thursday, February 22, 2007

(I lied)

'tis the season to get married fa la la la lah, la la la lah.

Start of a New Year and I already have invitations to three wedding. Attended one last month and another one two Sundays ago and I'm still reeling from the 8-10 course dinners. I'm officially thrust into another phase of my life where marriage is THE topic of conversations after those halcyon days of 'My Little Pony', 'She Ra', birthday parties, boy bands, teachers with eternal PMS, and the not-so-halcyon days of school rankings, graduation and career.

Recently asked a friend whose wedding is due in a couple of months about her preparation status and she gave the coolest answer, "It's just a wedding." She's right. We can get so caught up with all the nitty-grittys of Hollywood theatrics and commercialised norms that we may forget to give the quiet reality that comes after the "I love you."/ "I do" its due importance. Such as arguing over television channels or whose turn it is to clean the toilet.

Just thinking about marriage is already giving me the jitters. Before fretting over the ceremonial bit, getting the right partner is key and, depending on the kind of stuff you're brainwashed with while growing up, finding someone who meets both your logical and emotional list of criteria is as easy as walking through a wall of fire in your birthday suit and drenched in petroleum.

This reminded me of a movie synopsis.

There are three kinds of married people in the world.

First, whose marriages are arranged, I've never quite understood that, but I'm sure they know what they're doing.

Then there are those who fall in love and marry their soul mates. These I believe, are the most fortunate people in the world.

And lastly, there are those couples that marry for their parents, for money or play it safe and marry a friend. These are the most unfortunate ones in the world, and they don't even know it.

It's hard to fathom what a soul mate really is, especially when it's elusive to many. But ironically, a Ctrl F7 on the phrase "soul mate" yielded "friend", "pal", "playmate", "companion", "partner" and "chum". Thus, I shall continue to leave it to divine providence and maybe a little bit of creative romancing.

I admit after having witnessed a barrage of weddings and fuzzy wuzzy hearts, I could not help ponder about the art of romance. Sure, romance is one of love's catalyst, but there are just too many worn out SOPs (standard operating procedure) around.

Look at Valentine's Day, while the hearts, ribbons, pinks, reds and chocolates make nice accessories, I don't understand what's the obsession about having a date on the day that's hyped up by evil card makers *ahem*Hallmark *cough*, retailers and restaurants to wring us dry of our consumer dollars. Unless maybe... if you're a girl and you'd hoped for some free dinner on that day or something. But fine dining with servings that disappear after barely three inhalations at ridiculous prices is not my thing.

Anyway, for the record, I did have a DATE. And it got very hot and sweaty in the process.

You would be too if you ran about 5km and then end it off with dinner at a prata place.

And when it comes to fresh flowers, I firmly believe that they belong to the ground they once grew. So whenever I receive those bouquets, well-meaning senders would be left feeling as if they just run over a lonely granny's one and only pet. Musical serenade is acceptable but please knock me out if I have to listen to a rendition that goes all melodramatic like "I'll fight for you, I'll lie for you, walk the wire for you, I'll die for you..."

Maybe I'm just emotionally constipated. Hardly anything moves me nowadays but fortunately, there had been a few spark plugs that reminded me that I'm still capable of human emotion like Edwin McCain's songs and the 'The Pickle King' play by a theatre group from New Zealand called Indian Ink Company. It's been weeks since I watched the show, but its ending message still echoes.

"The secret to preserving love, is to simply make it fresh everyday."

For folks who still wake up everyday with hearts fluttering at the thought of your beloved, keep up the good work. For couples who had to think hard about the last time you felt that way, it might be time to add some zing in the relationship before it's too late. So how fresh is your love?


Energy Shortage

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Can't believe that it's nearing two weeks. Where did the time go again? I didn't write any reports and I barely touched the reading lesson plan that is due tomorrow. The greatest thing I'd accomplished last weekend was finding a figure-flattering day dress that spares me from sweeping the floor with its hem as I walk.

School was spent scurrying from one place to another while keeping tabs of a growing list of administrative 'to dos'. When the students leave for the day and all is quiet, I sink into my seat to accompany my laptop in its screen saver mode. At least for about a minute until someone enters the classroom. I actually like being kept occupied at all times because I mope whenever I'm idle for too long, but that might be taking its toil. Just today, a concerned colleague asked if I was getting enough sleep as I seemed to have a perpetual dazed look and was answered with, "Huh? Sorry, what was it you said?"

Something is amiss lately, it felt like something is leeching off my energy. Was out of breath after climbing several flights of stairs when normally that would not have bothered me. I even caught myself micro sleeping in odd places and yet remained wide awake when I lay down. I looked at the video of my first Bollywood show stint last September and I was shocked at the vast difference between then and now.

Spot Pari? (Video glitch - movement and song do not sync)

Maybe it's about time I have that cup of coffee every morning for a buzz kickstart.


2006 and the whatevers - Sri Lanka and Serenity, School and Sanity

Sunday, January 07, 2007

I was in a state of bliss upon my return from Sri Lanka. The trip was organised by World Vision for sponsors to visit the children of an area development project (ADP). For S$45 a month, the child sponsor funds the community/village that child belongs to. The World Vision team works within chosen communities and provide them with the tools, infrastructure and skills to eventually become self-sufficient. I was not a child sponsor then but I returned inspired. Eventually, I became a sponsor - of a girl from Sri Lanka and a boy from Myanmar.

School term resumed and I moved my gazillion and million things from my co-teacher's class into my brand new class on second floor after spending about a week cleaning and repairing the place. Then came the sorting and figuring out where I'm going to stuff put those very gazillion and million things everyday after school for the next month.

My students and I were finally getting used to the new set up when the co-teacher I worked with resigned. She decided to migrate to Australia with her husband and I'm the most obvious candidate to take her place. After long deliberation between my nearly completed classroom and a particular student in a wheelchair who could not possibly use the stairs, I chose to return to the very same classroom I happily moved out of. All the shifting in, cleaning up and on-going decoration has given me a great sense of ownership and (not to mention) pride. I was blinking back tears when the official announcement was made at the teachers' meeting but I'm thankful that I was informed early. It would take a couple of crowbars to pry me away from that class if I really settled in.

I was to remain in my (now) temporary class until the teacher last day in school in December. I was probably low on morale because I simply stopped tidying and chucked the remaining items in a pile at a corner of the room.

Then there was the task of organising the school's annual Christmas Concert after losing two veteran members of the organising team to pregnancy leave and the other to migration. Planning started months in advance and rehearsals were intense. It was a unique challenge working with special needs students. There were plenty of headaches and frayed nerves, but there were also colourful moments. The concert's main aim is for every student to participate and for everyone to have some fun on the last day of school. I know that it's a special day for all, and that I should not be so hard on myself, but I fretted over every little thing and there was never a day that I did not feel my blood pressure rise. Whether it was a) wanting the day to be great for everyone while forgetting about making it great for myself or b) wanting to prove my worth to everyone else, I still do not know.

I might have entered the dreaded burnout stage. Sometimes my hands would quiver for no reason and everybody ceased talking sense. It felt like there was a wedge in my brain leaving me incapable of clear thinking. I was exhausted and yet I could not sleep. It finally got better when school holiday rolled in.

At least my mental sanity was saved. If only I can say the same for my inner well-being.

(More ramblings to come)


2006 and the whatevers - Prologue

Sometimes, right at that moment, you may recall a dream you once had. The kind that you would not (or want to) recall on any normal day. I spent a long while pondering over my dream... mainly because it's in a hideous jumble, and trying to convince myself that every nerve earth-shattering event is a character building block even though they rained down on me all at once like a ton of bricks.

Year 2006 (and some of 2005) has been nothing short of a dream for me. Now that it has finally made an exit, I am a little more motivated to get that new diary (the one with the crazy array of migraine-causing polka dots), slow down my pace and...

...update this blog.

Even though it's too late, would still like to wish everybody a Happy and Blessed New Year. Thank you so much for the notes, concern and well wishes. I admit that the later part of 2006 had been nothing short of crappy. Whenever the going gets tough, I retreat into my shell and let the waves roll over me till I lay completely buried beneath layers of sand. However, a dear friend's chance discovery of a photo on the same day as my long awaited reunion gathering managed to jolt me out of my silent self-destruct mode. Their common topic: Sri Lanka. Coincidence or not, I chose to believe that it has come a full circle and I ought to pick up from where I left off online as well as offline.

Emotional lows, 3kg weight gain(bingeing cookies by the bucket + non-existent gym activity), career jitters and anxiety aside, I'm back. Hello 2007. And once again, hello everyone!


La La, Sri Lanka

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Am at the airport terminal. Going in soon. See ya all soon!


First Cross Country Run

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Bored with endless running around tracks, I signed up for the New Balance Real Run at Sentosa to see how far I can push my limit. With 6km on road, 1.6km on sand and 2.4km on trail, it was far more challenging than the 10km Standard Chartered Run. I was in awe of so many strong runners. One guy pushed past me and I noticed that he was wearing a South Park shirt. It read, "Oh man, you people suck!" I might consider getting one of those shirts once I manage to complete 10km in 40 minutes.

There were also slopes galore and I barely survived by the time we entered the beach. I never thought that I would come out alive after having to run speed walk trod on sand for the next couple of agonising minutes. It's already fortunate that I did not fall on my face.

And my runny nose did not help. I stuffed my shorts with lots of tissue paper just in case I had to drop out midway due to choking on mucus.

Pre-race warm up

By the time I passed the 8.8km mark, my stamina was nearly spent and I deteriorated into auto-pilot. Finally came those magical words, "500m left!" I just wanted to get it done and over with so I ran my heart out, tripping two runners along the way.

There was no shortage of toilets, and as the finishing line drew closer, a conversation was overheard.

"I can't! I can't! I got to go now!"
"What, are you crazy?! The finishing line is just over there, you can't go now."
"I'm about to explode... can't take it anymore. You go on ahead."

Talk about bad timing. Anyway, I completed the race in a little over an hour, which is not too shabby considering I walked the entire sand route.